Revisiting the Yellow Butterfly

I first mentioned the yellow butterfly the day before Micah's seventh birthday in this post: This time of year is always one of mixed emotions. Tomorrow we celebrate the miracle of Micah's birth and the goodness of God. Each year there is a pause, though, a day or two before, when I think of the yellow butterfly. There were only five weeks left. We were excited as the day of the twins' births grew closer. (I was actually more relieved we were in the final stretch as I felt like any day, my tummy would pop!) We had a slew of tiny, matching outfits and friends at church were taking "bets" as to whether the babies would really be two boys or not. One particularly uncomfortable evening, Lucas and I were picking out baby names when it became apparent that it was time to go! With a quick smooch to Seth and Marmie, we were on our way to the hospital. What a flurry of activity went on as Lucas wheeled me through the door, nurses jogging on either side as we rushed to our room and settled in for some measured breathing. Excitement gave way to concern and prayer as the nurse strapping on the heart monitor nervously set out for another nurse, then that nurse searching for another after her unsuccessful try to find one of the baby's heartbeats. The doctor arrived and soon all was a blur. Emergency surgery...one heartbeat gone...count backwards.... I woke alone in a room feeling horribly sad. The nurse asked why I was crying and I couldn't give an answer. Then the doctor, Lucas, and Dad were there. One baby was gone. The other, terribly critical. Everything seemed unreal and in slow motion. In the recovery room, they tried to prepare me for Jesse. "He had a little trauma on his face," they said, "but we dressed him in the clothes you brought." The nurse handed me a tiny bundle lovingly wrapped in a soft, flannel blanket. We looked down at his button nose and bitty fingers so long for such a little one and felt perfect peace. We knew this was just his fragile shell. Our boy was being welcomed into the arms of Jesus. Though we mourned for our loss, it was with the comforting knowledge that we would see him again. Micah would have to be transferred immediately to the Children's Hospital of Milwaukee. They wheeled in his incubator, I was able to touch his leg for a moment, and they hurried away, Lucas following so our son would not be alone. As the door closed, I caught a quick flash of yellow on the door, but was too tired to investigate. The next day, a nurse came in to check on me and I saw it: a yellow card with a butterfly stamped on it, taped to my door. None of the other doors had it. Just mine. Then it hit me. It meant I was different. I had no baby in my room. And the peace faltered. That day brought very welcomed calls and visits from friends and family, but every time the door was opened, I saw it... and began to hate it. When I was in the room alone I railed against it in my mind. At prayer later that night, the Lord spoke to my heart. Was I upset with a yellow butterfly on the door, or with him? "My ways are higher than your ways and my thoughts than your thoughts" (Is.55:9) "But they are babies, Lord." "I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made :Marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well." (Ps. 138:14) But how come you didn't protect us from this? How can we bear it? "Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all of our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God." (II Cor.1:3-4) I'd like to say that I left that room the next day, transformed, like a butterfly, but that was a slow journey, and still in progress. In the rush to be with Micah, though, I paused, then took the yellow butterfly from the door. On Sunday we will celebrate the blessing of Micah Moochie's tenth birthday. Saturday, however, is Yellow Butterfly Day. Inside Jesse's mini, keepsake chest nestles a cupcake-sized knit cap, a baby blanket, and a tiny, precious footprint. It will be a time to remember a baby brother in heaven and answer any questions the boys may have as best we can. Then, underneath a few pictures and cards at the bottom of the box, rests the yellow butterfly just for mom.